Monday, July 28, 2008

Vlad is Risen

Well I'll be a monkey's uncle! (Oh, hey... I should probably stop saying that now that I have a niece...) But anyway, you'll never guess what fairly obvious life lesson I just learned. Here it is, presented in a special font and everything:

If thou wishest thine car to run, taketh it to the freaking dealer.

I have to say, the dealer was actually able to slightly reduce my cynicism about auto mechanics. They fixed everything that was wrong with my car. I know this, because if there had been anything else even remotely wrong with it, they would have found it and charged me for it. They even changed my oil and, get this, washed my car! My car hasn't been washed in the 3 years since I bought it. Actually, "bought" might not be the most appropriate word. It'd be more accurate to say I "traded some perfectly good money for it". But anyway, the check engine light is off for the first time since the trading of the money. Oh, it hasn't been on the whole time. But it did go on the day after I got the car, which was simultaneously the most portentous and the most accurate omen I have ever witnessed. I have now far exceeded the cost of the car just making repairs. It would literally have been more profitable for me to buy my car, throw it off a bridge, then buy another more expensive car.

I think my favorite part of all these repairs is the huge dent I've single-handedly made in the Toyota reputation, at least among my friends. I gripe to someone about having my car in the shop, and they'll naturally ask "what kind of car is it?" and then I say Corolla and smirk at their disbelief. "What?? I thought Toyotas would just run forever!" That's true, assuming the used car dealer you bought it from didn't decide to take your car's engine, swap most of it out for lawn mower parts, bury them in the sand for 1000 years, dig them up, piss on them, and put them back in your car. I can only assume this is what happened, because I didn't see it in person. But when you buy a car from Crazy Vaclav's Previously Owned Automotors you expect that kind of personal touch.

Anyway, it's running fine now, and I'm sure this will be the very last blog post about my car....

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Vlad is Sick

My car is in the shop again. The key word in that last sentence was 'again'. I think the thing that irritates me most about it is that I can't even enjoy complaining about it. When you complain about something, all you want out of people is for them to say "dude, that sucks". What you DON'T want them to do is start making 'helpful' suggestions. When I say "man, my f-ing car is in the shop again" the correct response is not "oh? what's wrong with it?" First of all, and I can't stress this enough, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT! I'm not a mechanic and neither are you. The two weeks you spent in Driver's Ed and the three story's worth of anecdotes you've heard about other people's cars did not adequately prepare you to diagnose my car based on my description of the problem, which will invariably be "m'car done stopped runnin' so good, a'reckon". And yes, I know you know the best mechanic in town. Please, give me his number, I'm totally paying attention right now.

On the plus side, my latest mechanic's name was "Richard Carver". That's almost worth the expense.